Papiere Bitte!

new management system

The new Triborough management system purchased on Ebay from a Berlin electrical repair shop

The mechanization of the workforce continues with more sophisticated hardware discovered in a second-hand shop in Berlin, coinciding with Geoff Goodtimes our CEO hoping to generate significant savings. Yes! The Commodore Arbeiten 2000 is  just what the library needs, ‘a cut-price approach to checking books in and problem solving…’

Registering new users is a doddle– as they approach this monument to cold war technology it barks out in German:  Papiere Bitte! voiced by none other than Trevor McDonald. The deluxe version can also ululate in Somali and has the option of an automated phone message from David Bowie during his Heroes phase telling you your books are overdue. And if you’re lucky you can have him whispering some of his best loved lyrics: ‘Du schwimmen Wie Delphine und niemand… Dann sind wir Helden Für diesen Tag.’

The Commodore 2000 has already been incredibly effective, particularly in Surrey, proving that some people REALLY like authoritarian rulers and hate the embarrassment of freedom.  Please tell us what to do!

There’s a nice man in the children’s library

It always surprises me the people working in child care who don’t really like children. The nannies who can’t wait to get away from the little bastards and get rat-arsed at a heavy metal gig– the hard-drinking hooligans who are bringing up future Captains of Industry on a diet of chicken nuggets and Alcopops.

This week we had to provide a baby rhyme-time  taster at a local crèche in a lovely Italianate villa overgrown with ivy and painted wood panels. Bronze fauns adorned the door with missing limbs and swollen tummies.  Inside a grumpy jobsworth at reception who looked like Roger Waters more bad-tempered brother asked us not to tune the guitars– he was trying to work. Work for him involved  staring at blocks of shaded time on a rota while shaking his head and groaning. I managed to quietly strum Wild Thing and then by happenstance or sympathetic magic a wildly out of tune recorder burst forth from the gated crèche area at the precise moment for the solo.  ‘Oh,’  I said, ‘ they’re into the box of musical instruments already…’ He tutted and said, ‘ Working here with that racket going on… I call it the waiting room to Hell.’


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